A friend of Mauna Sangha from India recently posed questions about his experiences during enquiry we feel many in the sangha can appreciate. With his kind permission, we share them.
Q: Can you tell me the difference between the enquiry “Who am I,” and abiding as the thought-feeling “I Am?” Is the latter the real thing, and the first just an aid to get to the latter, especially when there are thoughts? What to do when the enquiry seems to be taking place merely verbally, in thinking. Thank you.
A: The enquiry “Who am I?” or “What am I?” (we prefer ‘what’) is meant to enliven the recognition as Awareness. The thought-feeling “I Am” is pleasant and may even be a sense as Presence. It is certainly preferable to identification with daily thoughts, emotions, etc. However, the thought-feeling “I Am” is still seen by Awareness. This is where St. Francis’ quote may be a bit misleading. What we are is prior even to the thought-feeling “I Am.” Notice what sees even “I Am.”
To expound further: The direct experience of the thought-feeling “I Am” that arises after the enquiry “Who or What am I?” is the perfume, the movement from, and of, what we are. Even Awareness arises from what we are. When you enquire, enquire from within (from heart), not from mind/thinking, and notice the direct experience before thinking engages. From this felt experience, notice the flow, the movement of the apparent arising of Awareness. Awareness, the sense of Nothing/Everything, all arises from what we are. We are prior to all experiences, thoughts, feelings, and yet thoughts and feelings continue to happen in this arising, as we experience ourselves uniquely in the human expression, free from identifying with any arising concepts, merely seeing the concepts, thinking, emotions, etc., as This experiencing through the physiological being. In the movement of this Suchness, STOP. Notice what the Suchness arises from. Stay There/Here, marinate There/Here, be informed from There/Here. There is no doing. All living arises easily with no effort from a someone.
Thank you for opening yourself to the movement towards letting go into what we are, always have been, and always will be. This question beautifully represents where we all find ourselves on the pathless path as we completely open ourselves to the Primordial Ground Of Being, and abide as, in, and with This.
Q: Ramana Maharshi said the “Who” of “Who Am I” is ego, and what does this enquiry is also the ego. The question then comes why the ego would indulge in something that is going to destroy itself. Is the ego, am I, playing a cunning subtle game of self-preservation on the pretext of doing enquiry, practicing the path of non-duality? That’s why I feel that all “doing” is a tricky affair. You said there can be no doing, but to enquire “Who or What am I” takes effort, and at least to me seems to involve “doing” on some level. There seems to be involved subtly a motive behind my enquiry, and what better way for the ego to preserve itself than through its motives, even the enquiry to find out what its real nature is. And of course, seeing this, I say, let’s do away with these motives, which becomes an even subtler motive. The problem is clearly “I” and every effort of this “I” to fix these problems only worsens it. There seems to be an endless rising of “I, I, I . . .”
A: The question may or may not spring from ego. Ego is nothing more than a string of thoughts forming an illusory someone having the experience of “I.” Having awareness of the “I” experience is not the problem, identifying with the “I” experience as what we are is the delusion. Truth is not the “Who” or even the “What.” Truth is pluripotent Silence present before, during, and after the question, but is often most easily initially noticed in the gap after positing a question such as “What am I?”. Truth is not bothered by questions of ego, effort, motive, etc. Truth is the substanceless substance of Life. Truth is beyond all these apparent mind games, and yet, is present as them also. Trying to understand this on the level of mind/ego won’t work. Mind can never know Truth, because Truth creates mind/ego. If we are looking to our mind to “figure it all out,” we may be looking for eternity. Truth recognizes Truth as Grace. Truth is eternal. Truth is all there is. Truth does not need our effort, our doing. Adyashanti suggests noticing what is “always and already.”
People have said awakening is an accident brought about by Grace, and things like meditation and self-enquiry make one more accident prone. Perhaps this is true. Papaji was asked how long to remain vigilant after awakening and he said, “Until your dying breath.”
We encourage being less concerned with motive, effort, doing, etc., and with an open, quiet heart notice the love-filled response of Truth as Truth to the enquiry “What am I?”. The immediate gap in thinking exposes pluripotent Silence (Mauna) after a sincere enquiry.
Namaste, Bec and Steve